Relationships


David Burns defines perfectionism as someone “whose standards are high beyond reach or reason” and “who strain compulsively and unremittingly toward impossible goals and who measure their own worth entirely in terms of productivity and accomplishment.” I listened to a seminar by Martin M. Anthony, PhD and he has treated perfectionism for years. I will share some of his knowledge with you in this blog. Perfectionism can manifest itself in these different areas: Social and performance anxiety Worry and generalized anxiety disorder Obsessive-compulsive disorder Obsessive-compulsive personality disorder Eating disorders Body image disorders Chronic fatigue Anger problems Depression Suicidal thoughts Hewitt and Flett’s define 3 different dimensions of perfectionism Self-oriented perfectionism is the unrealistic expectation we place on ourselves for performance Other-oriented perfectionism is expecting others to perform with unrealistic expectations Socially prescribed perfectionism is believing that others are expecting things from us and constantly trying to gain approval by trying to live up to what we think they want from us. Socially prescribed perfectionism is the most destructive and can lead to anxiety and depression. There is both positive and negative forms of perfectionism: Maladaptive evaluation is concern over mistakes, doubts about actions, parental expectations, parental criticism, and social prescribed perfectionism. Positive achievement strivings are personal standards, organization,, self-oriented perfectionism, other oriented perfectionism. Research suggests that maladaptive perfectionism could be caused from parents that were both perfectionistic and critical while adaptive perfectionists come from more balanced cohesive, adaptable, and nurturing families. Perfectionism stems from biased beliefs, assumptions, and predictions. Anything less than sticking to my diet perfectly is a failure.  If I eat one cookie, I may as well have eaten 10 cookies. I always need to look perfect in front of other people. If I don’t get an A+ in this course, I don’t deserve to be in this program. My reports are never good enough I seem to be the only person in this house who knows how to clean things properly. These are the thoughts manifested in perfectionistic thinking: All or nothing, or black and white thinking Shoulds and musts statements Selective attention by noticing the negative and discounting the positive Overgeneralization, like always or never statements Double standards by holding yourself to a higher standard than you do for others or visa versa Performance-Related Behaviors include: Avoiding situations that may test one’s performance, like a test Procrastination Goal achievement behaviors, like overpreparing Testing one’s performance by doing something over and over again Reassurance seeking Social comparisons If you struggle with perfectionism and it is keeping you from enjoying the life that you want, therapy may help.  We all have blind spots and we do not...

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Two Months Ago Today

Two Months Ago Today


Posted By on Sep 18, 2014

Dwayne has been gone 2 months today.  It still is hard to believe that he will not be calling me anymore or be at the house when I go see Carol. He would always come out and greet me, with a hug, when I drove up. I would love to hear his voice or get a little hug and feel his arm around my shoulders just one more time. It has been painful losing my brother so quickly with cancer and I still feel helpless and lost.  I just wish the ache inside would go away. Life is going on and we are all adjusting to life without him. Last Sunday Carol,(Dwayne’s wife) Roy,(my husband) and I took one of his canoes out to Whiskeytown Lake and paddled around the shore for a few hours.  It was awkward as we are not experienced with a canoe and I am sure Dwayne was looking down laughing at us as we tried to negotiate loading and unloading the canoe from his truck.  We got it into the water okay, but it took us a while to get the rhythm down for the paddling. It was so beautiful out at the lake and I can understand why he loved canoeing so much. After someone close dies, it causes us to reevaluate our lives and ask ourselves, “What is really important in life?” It isn’t things, it is relationships. I want to appreciate the people in my life and treat them as though it may be the last time I see them. I do not want to live with regret and think if only I had told them how much they meant to me.  I had that opportunity with Dwayne, and I am so thankful. He was loved by all and he will remain in our hearts until we see him again. If you are struggling with people in your life and not appreciating them for who they are, think about what life would be without them.  Maybe you think it would be better and maybe it would, but if they love you and they are doing the best that they can, love them back and focus on their positive traits. Seek help if you need to.  You would be surprised what a few sessions on communication and learning to own your own stuff can do for you relationship.  Be proactive in seeking better solutions to your relationship problems. No matter how flat the pancake, there are always two sides. Seek to understand instead of seeking to be understood. Life is too short to spend it with anger and bitterness. Learn to forgive...

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An Opportunity of a Lifetime

An Opportunity of a Lifetime


Posted By on Aug 29, 2014

The Saturday after my brother’s memorial service my grandson’s team won the North Western Regionals in Baseball. That qualified them to go to the Babe Ruth World Series in Ocala, Florida. They had played hard all year and now they were going to the World Series. As a grandma I had to go , so I ask my sister-in-law, Carol, if she would like to go with me.  Her son Jefferson loves baseball and she had spent many seasons going to his games when he was young.  She was on board with me to go, so we booked our flights and hotel and on August 14, 2014 my husband drove us to Sacramento and we left for Florida. The excitement of being there was wonderful and Jared’s other grand parents were able to come also, along with Jared’s uncle. Jared’s mom and dad were unable to come because Sarah, Jared’s mom, was in the hospital.  She had been to almost every game Jared had ever played and it broke her heart not to be there, but he had plenty of support and fans to cheer him on. They won their first game 11 to 1 and the possibility that they could win the World Series was almost more excitement than I could stand. The teams there were incredible and the second day they lost 9 to 6.  The coach gave them a good pep talk and the next day they lost 8 to 9, but if they won the last game they still could go to the finals. Everyone was positive and we all encouraged them to do their best and that was what was important. They played hard, but lost 7 to 1. The thrill of victory and the agony of defeat was real. The good news was our flight back home was on Saturday and we had 3 full days to play in Florida. The first day we went to Silver Springs and rented two canoes and a kayak and we canoed for two hours with the alligators (they were small) and saw many beautiful birds and fish.  One of the highlights was when Jared threw a chicken nugget to see if an alligator would eat it. He grabbed it so fast Jared about had a heart attack.  It was hilarious. The next day we went to Daytona Beach and enjoyed the beach and watched the sun come up over the Atlantic Ocean.  It was a beautiful sunrise. We had dinner on the water and watched the lightning flash between ominous black clouds off in the distance, as we ate our dinner.The third day we played some...

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My brother’s Memorial Service was on Monday, July 28th, just 3 days before his 62nd birthday. The legacy that he left behind as a husband, father, brother, and friend is incredible. He loved his family more than anything and it was so evident by the way he lived his life.  Three days before he was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer, he had driven his motorcycle over to Crescent City (about 3 hours away) to help his daughter move a green house.  He did not feel well, but he went anyway. His wedding anniversary was also on his birthday and they would have celebrated their 38th. He and Carol had a solid marriage and they traveled together often and their Sunday ritual was to go for a Latte after church.  He was a leader in Bible Study Fellowship for years and he had many friends from there.  He loved in-depth Bible Study and his faith was unshakable, especially through his illness.  He never complained and was never bitter against God for his cancer. He had two daughters and a son and they all adored him. They were by his bedside for the last week before he died. His Memorial service reflected his life and the way he lived it.  He was a man’s man and he loved the outdoors.  About 3 early mornings a week he would take his canoe to Whiskeytown Lake and enjoy the beauty of the area just paddling around the lake.  He loved to ride his motorcycle, drive his sports car and hunt with his many guns. He would have loved to have been a gunsmith. He also loved to be on his tractor and move dirt around and build things. The main message that people gave about Dwayne is that he was always giving.  No matter what he was doing, he always had time to help people.  He had a twinkle in his eye and a smile on his face.  He loved life. What would people say about you at your memorial service if you were to die early? If only we could live our life as though it may be our last.  Little things would not bother us near as much and we would spend time doing the important things with the people we care about.  Life is to short to through it away on trivial things that do not matter. My brother was the greatest and we will all miss him terribly until we will see him again in a much better place, where there will be no more sickness and death. I can hardly wait! See you soon Dwayne. Vickie Parker, LMFT vickeimft.com,...

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